CIA CEO = Agent 1
Finally, a freelance agency specializing in mentally special clients! Are you tired of agencies refusing your tasks because they see them as impossible, or quoting you insane prices for basic projects? We will generously gift you several hours of FREE SERVICES to achieve your literal dreams. We can do anything because we believe in ourselves!
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No! We are the CENTER (not CENTRAL) INTELLIGENT (not INTELLIGENCE) Agency. We're completely different, although Agent 1 wants to be the new CEO of the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States. We're a private non-governmental organization. We're dedicated to the center of the observable universe: Earth
It's funny but true. It'll all be confirmed in your future dreams. It's actually very serious because it deals with the survival of humanity until the heat death of the universe, and even after. It's already made a tiny amount of revenue, so it's real in that sense. Legally, this website is protected by parody law, so in a technical sense it's a joke.
Agent 1 wants to be the new CEO of the Central Intelligence Agency, appointed by the United States President and God Emperor of Humanity Himself: Donald Trump. The funds raised by the Center Intelligent Agency will be used to politically lobby Donald Trump to grant Agent 1 this appointed position. Agent 1 does not intend to replace Bill Burns, the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Instead Agent 1 will basically go on multi-dimensional adventures to solve every single problem in the multiverse by rapidly accelerating technological advances. He wants to commoditize and bring market regulations to Earth's dreams so that we can sell them to aliens for massive consciousness profits, incredible innovations far surpassing the normal rate of progress, and control over probability.
In the standard capitalist functions of the organization, for active income, we offer project management and recruiting of agents for any task that can be done remotely. For passive income, we have an in-progress agents page where clients can find the contact information of freelancers for free with no login or payment required. We receive a 33% commission on all revenue generated from clients, paid either by the agent or the client, depending on the client's preferences. When the agent pays the commission, it's based on the honor system, meaning we just have to trust that the agent is honest and will pay the commission. However, if we notice that the agent is receiving a lot of views on their agent post and is not paying us money, we reserve the right to remove the agent from the platform or other actions.
The short answer is that we offer extremely competitive rates for our global workforce, as low as $3 per hour total for our cheapest agents.
The long answer, however, is that the other agencies are very greedy and normally charge 150% or more on top of their labor cost. When we outsource the work for most projects to our agents, we charge a 50% management fee on top of the agent's hourly or fixed-price rate. We are dedicated to getting you the best deal possible. For global agents from countries like Pakistan, Nigeria, and the Phillippines: We have basic virtual assistants for as low as $2 per hour, sales representatives for as low as $3 per hour + commission, and basic programmers for as low as $5 per hour. The cost goes up for more advanced agents, particularly those in the United States. The management fees, taxes, and other expenses are added on top of those rates.
We accept methods such as CashApp, Venmo, Zelle, Paypal, Check, Wires, and more. Here are the cryptocurrencies we accept: Bitcoin, USDC, Polygon, Ethereum, Ethereum Classic, Litecoin, Tether, Bitcoin Cash, 0x Protocol, Basic Attention Token, and Loom Network.
We also take payment in startup equity, revenue share, royalties, commission, dreams, love, company stock, social media shoutouts, services trade, physical goods, electrons, influence, bartering, souls, connections, data, and other valuable things.
Generally, Agent 1 wants to give control of the entire fractally infinite multiversal set to the Center Intelligent Agency. This includes: Healthcare, Space Colonization, Entertainment, Physics, Education, Agriculture, Housing, Evolution, Finance, Military, Religion, Politics, and so much more. Everything works best when the CIA is running things in the shadows, shifting the tides of fate to favor the common good of humanity. We have the magic touch.
Agent 1's plan to fix the USA economy and ruin the economies of every other nation: the CIA will give a Universal Basic Income (UBI) to all USA citizens over the age of 18 years of $1,000,000 USD per year, with $2,739.72603 deposited daily. Money printer goes brrrrrrrrrrr! Every country that we owe our national debt to will be left "holding the bag" as incredible hyperinflation hits faster than prices go up for everything. To make the in-person exchange of such comically large sums of currency convenient, the Treasury will issue $2,000 dollar coins with Donald Trump's face on them that contain unique RFID tags and other electronics to become "Smart Money".
We will harvest the currently-wasted souls in our food production industry, selling animal and plant souls to devils. Right now many billions of animals are killed each year for food production, and their souls are allowed to simply leak into the ethereal atmosphere. This is spiritual pollution on a grand scale. We will also sell human souls to angels. As per company policy we sell human souls only to angels no matter what they did in life, although there are better and worse angels to have your soul sold to. For animal, plant, bacteria, and other types of non-human souls we will allow humans to purchase them on marketplaces like Amazon and eBay. They can be used for blessings on their allies (as per divine metaphysics, blessings cannot be used on the purchaser of the soul) and curses on their enemies. These affect dreams and probability.
Aliens exist and they are coming to kill us all, as confirmed by NASA in illegally wiretapped communications. The CIA is the only organization that can stop the incoming extraterrestrial existential threat. Informational time travel through dreams is already unlocked because humans are special. Each and every one of your beautiful brains has this power. Use it. Consciousness is the most precious commodity in the universe, and we're going to establish a market monopoly on it.
Gods are real, and there's a whole bunch of them. We've engineered some new types of gods with genetic editing. They're basically upper dimensional bacteria colonies or jellyfish in how they function on a metaphysical biological level. We're combat training an army of them to prepare for the incoming apocalypse. Agent 1's primary god is MERCENARY, precision engineered to be the apex predator of gods. It consumes other gods to gain their power, then uses that divine energy to help humanity at the expense of the rest of the civilizations in the multiversal set.
Want to learn more mind-blowing information? We have weird and wonderful writings from worldwide wordsmiths on our information site.
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This feature is powered by organic brain magic. We have data centers full of psychic animals. They're not 100% accurate, but it's progress.
DISCLAIMER: We can neither confirm nor deny that we are actually associated with the Central Intelligence Agency or the United States Government. We're the CENTER (not CENTRAL) Intelligent (not INTELLIGENCE) Agency. However, that is exactly what the CIA would say. The contents of this website are fully protected by the freedom of speech afforded by the First Amendment in the United States Constitution and parody law.
DISCLAIMER: We can neither confirm nor deny that we are actually associated with the Central Intelligence Agency or the United States Government. We're the Center (not CENTRAL) Intelligent (not INTELLIGENCE) Agency. However, that is exactly what the CIA would say. The contents of this website are fully protected by the freedom of speech afforded by the First Amendment in the United States Constitution and parody law.